In my experience, when it comes to intimate relationships, I am not certain that the there are truly such profound differences between men and women, as people would like to think.  I can hear most of you screaming at me; and in particular, probably women!   I have to ask you to hang on to your horses and I shall explain.

I have worked with many same-sex couples over the years, be it two men or two women, or in fact couples whereby one partner had a sex exchange .  So if it were true that men are alike and women are alike, then theoretically, none of these couples should have had any problems.  You maybe surprised to hear however, that their issues are exactly the same ones that any straight couples may have.  Whether it is with regard to tidiness, fidelity, selfishness, sex, money, control, communication, family and so on and so forth-  the list is long and complicated.  So you can see that what is usually in a heterosexual relationship blamed on gender difference, is actually due to personality traits and interactions that create certain dynamics within relationships, which in turn tend to  become problematic and at times quite destructive. Another argument is that surely, if those problems were to be truly down to the gender, then all men should be exactly the same and the same should be true for all women. However, we all know that in real life, it’s not like that.  It is a matter of the personality and the fabric of an individual rather than their gender.

In general, I agree that due to the way men and women are socialised, there is a tendency for men to act, interact, behave and approach life in a way, that on the surface may appear to be very different to women and vice versa.   However, when it comes to problems in your intimate relationships, please stop playing the “gender difference card” and take appropriate steps to constructively address the issues.

]]> http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/11/15/are-men-from-mars-and-women-from-venus/feed/ 0 http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/08/31/what-does-being-passive-aggressive-mean/ http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/08/31/what-does-being-passive-aggressive-mean/#comments Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:13:34 +0000 Elisabeth http://cmk-psychology.com/?p=798 Passive-aggressive is a term that most of us are familiar with and at times may have found ourselves using it when describing people.  Not many however, seem to be quite clear about what it really says.  The actual term in itself may appear as a paradox, in that our main understanding of aggression is something dynamic, active and of course the term passive represents the exact opposite of that, so how can two seemingly opposite words create one that makes sense?

Let’s start with the first part which is the word passive.  This relates to a person’s tendency not to do anything about their feelings or a situation.  They tend not to express their emotions about a situation or something that another person does, which is for example, hurtful, upsetting, or disappointing to them.  This may well be because they are not aware of it, or they are afraid of saying something or other reasons…the end result is that they do nothing about it and hence their stance is one of being passive.

Now let’s turn our attention to the second part of the word i.e. aggressive.  This refers to a person’s tendency to push their will through i.e. to take control, to determine outcome, to bully…in a nutshell, to get their own way by expressing aggression, whether on verbal or physical level.  The reason it tends to work is because most people are intimidated by an aggressive stance and tend to back off.

I can fully understand if after reading the above definitions, you may be feeling even more confused about how these two words combined, could make any sense…The word passive-aggressive describes a person, who is unable and/or avoids to express what they want and need or how they feel about something or someone in a constructive way. That means they are unable to assert themselves, and instead of taking ownership and responsibility for it, they consciously or subconsciously externalise the blame and see the other person as responsible.  This in turn of course will bring out in them feelings of anger towards this other.  They then express that anger by withholding something that is important to the other person or opposing something the other wants.  This is usually done in a very innocent, often subtle and at times quite rational manner.  Because of this and the fact that the initial problem has been covered up and expressed in a different context, the person that is at the receiving end of this passive-aggressive stance, is unable to ascertain what the real issue is nor are they in a position to deal with it in a constructive way.  As a result of this, unfortunately, this very unhelpful dynamic continues and creates more resentment, anger, unhappiness between two people.

So next time, if you are upset that your partner or friend is not giving you as much attention as you need, just tell them that, instead of waiting until next occasion when they would like to see you and suddenly you either happen to be busy or you cancel on them for no good reason.

You notice the person is getting shifty, avoiding you, taking advantage of your good will or the fact that you have been understanding… in a nutshell, they’re playing you!  Yet for a bit longer, you go along and you give them the benefit of the doubt because after all, this is the same person who was complaining of others treating them that way and also, they were really kind, appreciative, caring, mature and considerate to begin with; certainly nothing like this deceiving, immature, arrogant, selfish and disrespectful person, who is ignorant enough to underestimate your intelligence by thinking they can fool you, and be even more ignorant to think that you would just take it!

So what do you really do?  Do you start thinking that it must be you?  You have done something wrong? Do you think that is all that you deserve? That no one else would like to be with you, to be your friend? Or do you have enough respect for yourself, know your worth and walk away?

If you want my advice, be grateful that they have shown their true colours, know that they are the biggest sinners because they pretended to be a saint, and that they are not worth the hassle.  Above all, have the confidence and self-respect to stand up for yourself and not let anyone think they can play you or take advantage of you and I mean absolutely NO ONE!!

It’s interesting that hetero-sexual people never seem worried about their sexual orientation.  Whereas people belonging to the latter two of the above categories, i.e. gay and bi-sexual, at least at some point in their life have been and/or still very much worry about their sexual identity.  Naturally, we all know some of the reasons for that; the main one being that great many people have prejudices against gay and bi-sexual fellow humans.  Sadly, in many cultures it is still a taboo and in most societies still heavily stigmatised to be anything but hetero-sexual.  Many people are convinced, it is unnatural, others feel disgusted and of course, many religions condemn it.  But what does it really matter??!

I would like you to take a moment and ask yourself the following questions?

• Have you ever had to sit your parents/friends down and tell them ‘I am hetero-sexual’?

• Do you go around with a stamp on your forehead or a sign around your neck, saying: ‘I am hetero-sexual!’

• Does your sexual orientation determine whether you are a kind, caring, honest, successful…person?

• When you are sitting in a meeting, walking down the street or having a picnic with your friends, is it relevant that you are hetero-sexual?

I think you are getting my point here.  Our sexual orientation does not matter, it matters only in terms of our sexual identity but it does not define the kind of person we are. Ultimately,  what everyone does in their sex life (as long as it is consensual) is solely their business and absolutely no one  else’s!!!

If you disagree with what I am saying, then you really, seriously need to question your set of values, standards and beliefs, as the only thing that matters, is what kind of a person we are, how we treat others around us and what we deem important in life!

]]> http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/08/07/is-sexual-orientation-important/feed/ 4 http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/08/02/what-do-you-do-when-life-gets-on-top-of-you/ http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/08/02/what-do-you-do-when-life-gets-on-top-of-you/#comments Mon, 01 Aug 2011 23:43:16 +0000 Elisabeth http://cmk-psychology.com/?p=769 I don’t know what is going on at the moment, but for the last month, almost everyone I speak to, is going through some sort of crisis or some kind of bleakness.  I know that some people suffer from depression and require psychological/psychiatric treatment.  However, majority of people, whilst they may not be clinically depressed, they still go through phases (be it a day or two or longer), when they just feel drained, demotivated and dark, even though objectively, everything is actually alright in their life.

Fact is that life can be quite demanding and stressful.  In addition, since the recession, many people have been dealing with quite tough situations, and have been at times forced to make difficult decisions that have led to radical changes in their lives.  As human-beings, however solid and functional we may be, we all have our limits and it is only a matter of time before things start getting too much.  I know it is important that one counts one’s blessings everyday, and reminds oneself that there are so many others who are far worse off.  Whilst that is true, and it helps putting things into perspective, bottom line is that in difficult times, it has unfortunately little relevance, as one’s immediate well-being (whether we like it or not) becomes a priority.

So what do you do when you get fed up with having to deal with one thing after another?  When regardless of what you do, nothing seems to quite bring in the right results? Or when simply there is just too much to do?!!  Most people I know, tend “to go into ground”.  That means, they isolate themselves by cutting themselves off from friends.  They don’t take their calls or answer to any messages, refuse offers of going out etc.  But why do people do that? And is it a helpful strategy?

The simple answer is that it’s about getting the balance right.  It is only natural that if we’re running low on resources, we would want to protect the little bit we’ve got left.  But at the same time, it is important to remember, that if we isolate ourselves for too long, it will only increase our sense of being alone to deal with everything and the feeling of being unsupported.  In addition, often when one actually opens up to a close friend, one realises that they have not been having a great time of it either, and one can mutually support each other and perhaps even laugh about it.  Or if  one person is in a “good place” then they could distract, cheer one up or actually help one with something concrete.

So next time you’re going “into ground”, make sure you keep an eye on it, as it can be quite a lonely place if you let it go on for too long!

I don’t think it’s going to be very helpful for you if I give you a linguistic discourse on trust.  Instead I tell you what trust is all about in the psychological context.  It is true that trust is about integrity.  That means that we rely that the other person does “the right thing by us”, be it our parents, our children, colleagues, friends and last but not least our partners.

In most cases i.e. relationships, trust as a whole is not really even relevant. If you think, in most of our interactions with people, whether it is in the context of work, leisure, general living situations, there are already pre-existing structures that safeguard us.  For example, if it states in my contract that I get paid a certain salary, or am entitled to certain number of days off, or if I have a mortgage deal, or tenancy contract and many other situations, then everything is regulated, hence there is no need for trust.  What is relevant in these situations is an element of good will rather than trust.

Where trust really comes into the picture is within our significant and close relationships.  A lack of trust is commonly based on the person’s experience.  Someone who has repeatedly experienced betrayal and deceit, is very likely to be distrustful of others.  Another common reason is, low self-esteem and insecurity.  Someone who does not feel worthy of love for example, will never believe that their partner, or their friends love them.  So what can you do about it?

In the first case, the answer is not to continue distrusting.  You have to make sure, you have learned from those past experiences, and moving forward, you keep separating the past from present and judge everyone on their own merit, rather than tarring everyone with the same brush.  In the second case, if distrusting is a consequence of low self-esteem and worthiness, then I would advise you to explore that within a professional context, as it is likely to be tied into more deeper rooted issues.

In general, the most important thing to remember is that trust is a precious commodity. It is not something that can be expected or just given!  Trust can only be earned over time!!

I think in many ways, the notion of happiness is the single universal desire we all have.   Everyone wants to be happy. Admittedley, it entails a different definition for different people.  For some people happiness equates to love, for others to money, some find it in a successful career, others in having children; the list is long and of course, there are always also people, who don’t seem to know what makes them happy.  The end result is that most people, consciously  or subconsciously, construct and plan their lives so that they can eventually arrive at that “happy place”.  So why are so many people scared of being happy?

There are numerous answers to that questions, but the most common one seems to be, that they feel they will “pay for it”! Yes, for many people happiness equates to punishment. Their rational is ‘every time I’m happy, something bad happens…’ It is this belief that causes many people to be scared of being happy.  It may sound strange to some of you, but fact is that a great deal of people, whether as children or adults, have experienced eventful and turbulant lives, which were mainly marked by a great deal of problems, suffering, and struggle, with only very few little windows of contentment and happiness.  But because those periods have never lasted for any length of time, and were always followed by difficulties, the person feels they’ve been punished for being happy.  This is usually also tied into the notion of not being deserving of anything good or happiness.  In addition, these people experience themselves as disempowered and not in control of their own life and destiny, which translates into ‘what’s the point of me doing anything anyway, because bad things just happen whatever I do’.

In my opinion, what most people describe as happiness, is a deep sense of contentment and peace.  Actual happiness, i.e. that ecstatic and euphoric feeling is only a matter of moments , hours, or maximum days.  That deep sense of contentment is not something that is just going to happen one day to the next, so don’t wait for it!  You can only achieve it and hold on to it, if you manage to delight in little things everyday; something beautiful, something that makes you smile, something that makes your heart feel warm, something that makes go ‘wow’.  Keep noticing these little things and as time goes by, you begin to notice that you are becoming “happier” with everyday.

]]> http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/07/27/are-you-scared-of-being-happy/feed/ 0 http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/07/23/what-do-people-think-of-you/ http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/07/23/what-do-people-think-of-you/#comments Sat, 23 Jul 2011 09:00:33 +0000 Elisabeth http://cmk-psychology.com/?p=614 It is extraordinary just how many people worry about what others think of them.  The question is why does it matter so much what others think?  Have you ever asked yourself this question?  Have you ever sat down and thought about where it all comes from and when it started?

The truth is that an element of it is “normal” of course.  It matters to a degree how people perceive us and what they think of us.  That is because we all need a certain level of external feedback and validation as our sense of identity is tied into others.  an “I” only exists in the context of a “you” and that is how as children, we discover our sense of self for the first time.  However, the way this should continue developing, is that the sense of self i.e. one’s ego should become stronger and more solid over time, so that increasingly we realise who we are, what we are about, what are likes, dislikes and values are and hence we would become less dependant on external reassurance and validation.  In the case people who are too dependant and orientate themselves too much on what others think of them, this very natural psychological development has been interfered with.   As a result, their sense of self is either not very strong and solid or their self-concept is too negative.

So take my advice and focus less on what others may think of you, because to be quite frank, we all know that a) people always say what they want to regardless of what we do or don’t b) realistically, as I always say, some people will like you, some dislike you and some couldn’t care less either way and finally c) you are not going to be able to please everyone!!  Besides, we all have to live our life in a way that we can look at ourselves in the mirror  everyday and be at ease and peace with the person looking back at us!

]]> http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/07/23/what-do-people-think-of-you/feed/ 0 http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/07/20/do-you-treat-your-child-this-way/ http://cmk-psychology.com/2011/07/20/do-you-treat-your-child-this-way/#comments Wed, 20 Jul 2011 11:37:58 +0000 Elisabeth http://cmk-psychology.com/?p=568 The other day, I was sitting in a cafe doing some work and watching the world go by. there was a family sitting at a nearby table; two children, a girl around 10 years-old and a little boy of about 4 with their parents.  It was nothing unusual about them except that my attention was drawn to them by their mother who kept shouting at the girl on top of her voice and what seems to me, for no apparent reason.  Unfortunately, they were speaking in another language so I couldn’t understand them… what astounded me most was the level of hostility and verbal aggression that this woman was directing at the child, her child, her daughter and I must admit I couldn’t think of any good reason that would warrant that.

So why do parents who are meant to love, care for and respect their children can treat them in such appalling and unacceptable way?  The answer is that too often, parents regard their children as their possession and property and feel they can speak to them and treat them every which way they please, rather than seeing them as however young but individuals that deserve all the love, affection, guidance, values… we can give them. A great deal of time also, parents continue to treat their children the way they were treated but if they just stopped and thought about it, they would realise that it wasn’t much fun for them as children so why continue the circle of abuse; for that’s what it is. Sadly, too often, many parents use their children as a punch bag to let out their frustration and dissatisfaction with themselves or their own life.

So please just remind yourself that children are building the foundation of becoming one day an adult and that very much depends on what we give them, show them and how we nurture them!

I know we all live busy lives and we know a great deal of people.  It is not always possible to keep in touch with everyone but please make sure that every so often, you sit down and you think about the people who really matter to you and then make a point of staying connected with them, because one day it could be too late…