Good Parenting
I know there are so many books out there that cover the subject parenting, from the time the foetus is in the womb to when they leave the house (or so one thinks). I doubt that one ever stops being a parent and actually that is at times part of the problem.
Parenting is a very complex subject and it is not my intention to give you detailed tips as to how parent your child; in fact the opposite. I would like to draw your attention to mainly one specific component that in turn, hopefully will answer many of your questions, or at least give you some food for thoughts.
Most people’s understanding of parenting is to love their children, provide for them i.e. feed them, clothe them, keep them clean, give them a good education, ensure they socialise and have friends, discipline them appropriately and give them values… So if it is so straight forward, where do people go wrong? Unfortunately, there are quite a few traps that one can fall into as a parent…
Prioritising your child’s needs
Separating the child’s needs from our own needs as a parent is absolutely crucial. It is fact that most of us have already a preconceived idea of what we want for our children from the way they speak, to how they dress, the school they go to, their friends or what they end up doing as adults with their lives. So as you can see, there is already a story, a fantasy that exists. Believe me, there is usually nothing wrong with these stories. Of course, we need some idea but – and that’s a very big BUT!!! Where it all can go horribly wrong, is when parents rigidly and blindly try to implement “the story” and end-up completely forgetting, or chose to ignore the reality. So what’s wrong with that? I hear you asking. Im principle, potentially everything, as you may be running the risk of missing the point of parenting completely. What you have to bear in mind is that “the story” is usually based on your personal experience i.e. what you may think is best for your child, because that is what you benefited from yourself, or the opposite, i.e. based on what you never had and feel would have benefitted you. However logical this thought process may appear to be, it has one major flaw and that is that your child is not you!
We can all appreciate that there are differences in children, even newborns. Parents who have more than one child are very familiar with this concept. Every child has their own unique make-up, their own set of core personality traits, which will develop according to how the environment responds to them. Hence nature versus nurture…
I am sure we all heard parents saying about their child, or even our parent about us that “she is such a difficult child…” Well, I am sorry, but there is no such a thing as a “difficult child”!!! No child is born into this world as difficult! What these parents try to say is that their child is not complying nicely with “the story”. That perhaps without ever being aware of it, they could not figure out their child or even relate to that child. This brings us to what I call the compatibility factor.
So what is the compatibility factor?
It is the degree to which we relate and understand others, including our own children. Most people are aware of the concept of compatibility when it concerns partners, friends, even a profession, but rarely in the context of their own children. Admittedly, it may sound somewhat strange but unfortunately, even the best parents are likely to cause harm, if they don’t pay attention to the degree to which their personality may or may not be compatible with that of their child. That is why it is so important that whilst you have a “story”, in other words, a set of expectations, aspirations and wishes for your child, you also ensure that you treat it as broadly as possible and mainly as a framework, within which there is a great flexibility to adjust to your child’s needs, abilities, interests, capacity, expectations of themselves and aspirations for themselves. All you need to do, is to observe, engage, listen and hear your child and you will know how to best strike that balance between what you wish to give, teach, and shape them and what is essential and important to them!
